


this life has been a landscape of pain (and still, flowers bloom in it)

by noiceperaltiago



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy has an anxiety attack, F/M, Slightly Angst (but with a happy ending), jake calms her down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 14:13:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15317241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noiceperaltiago/pseuds/noiceperaltiago
Summary: “What's going on? What happened?” A quick look around already told him. The sticky coffee on her desk, a messed up case file chaotically lying around on the floor, it must've really struck a nerve. Quiet sobs were what brought him back to her. “It's all… ruined. Everything's ruined!”





	this life has been a landscape of pain (and still, flowers bloom in it)

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Anxiety!

It was almost midnight when Amy finally printed the file she'd been working on basically all night. Of course by now she was all alone in the precinct, but her captain asked for this case to be shut by the next day and Amy knew she wouldn't have gotten it done without overtime. She was lucky she could print the file, too, because only minutes after she had sat down at her desk again, the power seemed to have gone out in the entire building. However, she was also incredibly tired and could've fallen asleep right then and there. It was probably due to her tiredness that she didn't remember the cup of coffee standing unfinished on her desk, and with a quick motion when throwing away her trash, she hit the mug and let it fall, coffee spilling all over her stuff. It didn't even take a second for the detective to be wide awake, a gasp escaping her as she hurried to get paper towels. Immediately, she got her report off the desk but it was already halfway soaked in the creamy liquid. “No, no, no…” Amy mumbled and tried to wipe it all away, unsuccessfully. Sure the report did't drown in coffee anymore after her fifth paper towel, but she had no chance of getting those stains out by 9 am, and she couldn't possibly rewrite the whole thing by hand. Amy felt her chest rising up and down heavily. Her heart started skipping beats, and she started to lose her breath. This couldn't be happening, she didn't just spend hours writing the perfect case file only to have it ruined by her stupid coffee and the non-working printers.  
_Great. You messed up again, Santiago. Can't you do anything right for once?  
_ No. She didn't ruin anything. She could still fix this, she had nine hours before the captain would be back at the precinct, nine hours to redo everything and make it perfect. You’re a terrible detective. _There's no way you'll ever make sergeant if you keep making these stupid mistakes._ Amy had to sit down. She tried shaking away her thoughts, tried cleaning up the rest of her desk. But her hands were trembling and the tears kept filling her eyes. Her view was blurry, her lungs felt as if someone had put stones into them, her breathing became heavier with every second. _Just hand in your gun and badge already. Captain Holt doesn't need fuck-ups such as yourself. Nobody needs them. Nobody needs you._

It wasn't until her phone rang, with the goofy ringtone her fiancé had set for himself, that she remembered where she was. _Jake!_ , she frenetically picked up her phone. Jake was probably the only person who could get her out of the state she was in. “Amy?” She wanted to answer, and then she wanted to pretend that everything was okay. Her mouth on the other hand was dried out, she couldn't get a single sound out. “Ames? Are you there?” All he got in response was some sort of swallowing sound. Worry filled his voice. “Is everything okay?” She could practically hear him pacing. Eventually, after a few hectic and definitely not regular breaths, Amy could spit out some words.  
“Can, can you please… come and… get me?” By the time she had finished that sentence, Jake was already fully dressed, packed with Amy's favorite jacket and in his car. “I'm on my way”, he assured her. He wouldn't have dared hanging up, just in case something else happened. Amy on the other hand didn't care, so she ended the call and put her phone in her pocket. Or she tried to, except it fell on the floor before she could even realize it. She didn't bother picking it up though, it didn't matter anyway. Nothing she did mattered. She was a horrible person and a horrible detective; there was no point in denying that. _And why would you let Jake pick you up, anyway? Now he's wasting his time with you once more. You don't deserve him, he's way too good for you._ Those were the thoughts that set off a fresh wave of tears. Her sobs became harder.

Amy still hadn't calmed down when Jake arrived. Her breathing was still cut short, and the tears hadn't stopped flowing either. When the elevator door opened and he walked into the room, he couldn't believe what he was seeing. His beautiful fiancée sitting on the floor next to her desk, hugging her legs, breathing heavily. His heart shattered into a million pieces right there. “Amy!” He hurried to her, offered her his arm so she could get some sort of balance and get up. “What's going on? What happened?” A quick look around already told him. The sticky coffee on her desk, a messed up case file chaotically lying around on the floor, it must´ve really struck a nerve. Quiet sobs were what brought him back to her. “It's all… ruined. Everything's ruined!” He went on his knees to face his soon-to-be wife, who had yet to find the strength to get up, and put his hands on her shoulders. “Ames, it's okay. I'm here, everything is going to be alright. Nothing's ruined, it's okay.” His words were spoken quietly, a soothing tone accompanying them. She didn't believe what he was saying, but the sound of his voice was calming nonetheless. Eventually, he helped her up. Amy‘s entire body was shaking, she held on to her desk to not lose balance. Her grip was so tight; her knuckles would be red soon enough. Tears still blocked her view. Jake got the coat out of his bag and put it around her as she pulled it close immediately. Putting an arm around her was what made her feel steadier, as she finally took slow steps toward the elevator and they could go to their car that was parked outside. It was probably no secret that Jake drove way past the speed limit that night. He didn't care at all, he just wanted to bring his girl home. And Amy didn't seem to mind, she was too caught up in her thoughts to notice in the first place.

Once they arrived at their apartment, Jake, being the loving fiancé that he was, carried her out of the car and into the house, planted her on their couch and wrapped her into a blanket. Of course he took her coat and shoes off first, he didn't want her to stress about even more things. And while she tried wiping away her tears with some tissues, he made her a cup of hot chocolate. The past few weeks hadn't been easy for Amy; first she had been studying for her sergeants exam non-stop, which she was expecting the results to any day now. Then of course she had a whole wedding to plan simultaneously to work, and that last case she had assigned didn't exactly make it all any easier, especially after she had to go on a three day long stakeout before catching the guy. She deserved a break. But, of course, only Jake thought so, because when he got back into the living room to bring Amy her cocoa, she was no longer lying there. “Ames?” A second later, he heard a thud, and something rattling, so he went into the hall, only to see her trying to get the right keys off the hook on their white wall.

“What are you doing?” He went over to her and took the bundle of keys away from her. She seemed slightly irritated by that.”No, give those back! I gotta go back, fix my mistakes!” “Amy, it's one in the morning, you're definitely not going back to the precinct now.” He hung the keys back onto the wall and took Amy's hand. “Come on.” “Fine”, she grumbled quietly before following him back into their living room. “Here, have some”, Jake gave her the cup he had prepared for her as she sat down next to him. He wanted to talk to her, but he wasn’t going to pressure her into telling him whatever it was that caused her to feel so bad. So instead, Jake just looked at her. And he couldn’t help but notice just how red her eyes were, and how her breathing was still pretty irregular. And when she saw that look in his eyes, the one filled with sadness and concern and love, there they were again, the tears Amy thought would have finally stopped flowing. She didn't deserve someone like Jake, she didn’t deserve him one bit. And why would he want to be with someone like her in the first place? She was in a constant state of anxiety, there was no way he would really love a mess like that.  
“Hey, hey”, he took her cup and put it on their coffee table, and then he took her right hand into both of this, calmly, “it’s okay.”

“Why are you with me?” Jake had heard that question a million times from her before, but it never failed to take him by surprise. Amy looked at him, a face so stained with salty droplets of water and eyes redder than he'd ever seen them be, waiting for an answer. “Why wouldn't I be?” He asked back, as she let out a sad chuckle. “I just don't understand why you would want to be with a person who has constant anxiety attacks and is a complete control freak whenever else possible. It's so messed up”, she swallowed, “I'm so messed up.” That last part came out quietly, but not quietly enough for him to miss it. He couldn't contain a gasp. “Amy Santiago, I guarantee you, you are _not_ messed up.” He knew this was her anxiety talking, as they'd had many conversations just like this one in the past, but he just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Amy didn't see herself as the most amazing woman on earth. He would never understand how she couldn't see herself the way he saw her. “Amy, you are incredible. I'm with you because… because you make all of my days brighter just by being near me.” He rubbed her hand gently with his thumb. “You are beautiful, and smart and funny. You are a brilliant detective and you're going to make an amazing sergeant-“, she interrupted him, “if I'll even make sergeant.” “You will. And I'm with you because you're Amy Santiago, and every single day you give me new reasons to fall in love with you just a little bit more.” Finally, her lips curved into something which appeared to be a small smile. “You are incredible, okay?” He put his hand on her cheek, wiping away her tears with his thumbs. She nodded. It took a while but, eventually, Amy's heartbeat went back to normal and her lungs opened up again. She took her mug and drank the beverage her future husband had made for her, and even if it was cold by now, it made her feel a lot better. He made her feel a lot better. “Thank you”, she whispered, and she meant it. He could see the gratitude lingering in her eyes.

“Let's go to bed”, Jake offered as he took her empty cup and put it in the sink. He would clean it in the morning. “I still need to get my make-up off.” Amy walked to Jake, put her arms around his waist and made a pouty lip. He laughed. “I'll help you.” So they went to the bathroom, and Jake got her favorite make up wipes from their shelf, the ones smelling just a little bit like lemon and that would get off any make up from any surface. Sometimes when her lipstick wouldn't get off his face, he'd have to use them as well, and they really moisturized someone's skin, he couldn't deny that. So he wiped Amy's make up off, starting with her foundation while she removed her mascara. Thank goodness it was waterproof, or it would've been all around her eyes and face. Lastly, Jake removed the lipstick from her lips gently, although it was really hard doing that without leaning in to kiss her. They proceeded to brush their teeth with a song that lasted exactly three and a half minutes, they always did this so nobody would over-brush their teeth, and then, after that, they finally got into bed; Amy on the left side, as always, and Jake to her right. He pulled the blanket over them before she crawled closer to him and put her arms around his torso. Her eyes were already closed when she felt soft, tender lips on her own. “I love you so much, Amy Santiago.” A smile spread across her face as she put her head on his chest to use him as a pillow like she would every now and then.

It was in that moment, right before she drifted to sleep, when she knew; everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is it, my very first Peraltiago story (and my very first story uploaded onto AO3). I really hope you guys liked it, as I tried my hardest and haven’t written in a while. Feel free to leave feedback in the comments for future fanfictions of mine.  
>   
> A special shoutout goes to my friend Cris (@JoshRamsaygirl on Twitter) for helping me edit this, and a shoutout to Amy Santiago Defense Squad for supporting me all the way.  
>   
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
